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(1 teardrop | Catch me as I fall)

[17 Oct 2004|10:42am]
Lmao, I'm retarded. It's "Cloudy_tears" not cloudy_eyes XD!

(1 teardrop | Catch me as I fall)

READ! [17 Oct 2004|09:48am]
Hey guys! If you're on my friends list now- I'll transfer you to my new name. It's " cloudy_eyes ". So add me! ^__^;;

(6 teardrops | Catch me as I fall)

Sorry [16 Oct 2004|03:44pm]
[ mood | bored ]

Slipping under one more current,
Softly does it rock me to sleep.
To dream amongst the jagged edges,
To be torn down in sinking sand.
Let me break you once more,
Sip down another drink.
Lost the point of ever turning back,
Drowned within your sanctity.

How many times will I'm sorry take?
How far can I bend before I break?
How many times will I come up for air?
How long will it take to notice when I'm not there?

Crushing in my lungs collapsing,
Drinking in the airless breaths.
Bleeding from a vein that pleads,
Just don't let me die again.
Ready for the hell to set in,
For flames to lick my body's wounds.
To swim in pools of crimson tears,
This will all be over much too soon.

How many times will I'm sorry take?
How far can I bend before I break?
How many times will I come up for air?
How long will it take to notice when I'm not there?

How many lies will I'm sorry take?
I'm long past bent so help me break.
How many times will I breathe in air?
I hope you noticed that I'm not

Slipping under one more current,
Crushing in my lungs collapsed,
Softly did the pain rock me to sleep,
No longer drinking in the airless breaths.

How many I'm sorry will your prayers take?
Why is it that your heart did break?
How many times will you tell me you care?
Why are you crying now I'm not

One more sorry is all I will take,
So far past bent I've broken break.
My lungs exploded from all the air,
So fuck yourself cause I'm not

Sorry..

I was made to break.
It's too bad the air,
Is all that noticed now I'm not there.

(Catch me as I fall)

Eef [16 Oct 2004|03:28pm]
[ mood | amused ]

Lmao, I've realized that I've become the people I hated for so long. And now I realize why they were those people.

I've become less dramatic if I can avoid it- with the exception of last night =X- I've become more gossipy, I've become much more flirtatious, I've started not caring *as* much about other people's feelings- it's not that I don't, it's that I'm just not basing my happiness off of thiers- and.. yeah. I found that amusing =D

Still waiting @___@

(Catch me as I fall)

[16 Oct 2004|02:27pm]
Survey

Read more...Collapse )

(1 teardrop | Catch me as I fall)

My day in a nutshell [16 Oct 2004|01:51pm]
[ mood | loving ]

Just when I believed,
I couldn't ever want for more.
This everchanging world-
Pushes me through another door.

I saw you smile,
And my mind could not erase,
The beauty of your face.
Just for a while,
Won't you let me shelter you?

Hold on to the night,
Hold on to the memories.

*drools to death and melts* ^_____^ I FOUND MY OLD BURNED CD OF 99.9 TYPE MUSIC!!!!! HEEEEE!!! *uber happy* *sighs dreamily*

So! Aside from the cop thing- which I guess all things considered isn't really that big of a deal XD- yesterday rocked. Plain and simple.

Early morning rehearsal: pretty good I think ^__^;; can't really... remember o.o
LA: Antigone ^^;; pretty interesting if she hadn't kept STOPPING US EVERY OTHER LINE @___@
EOP: made shirts- lmao, gave mine to Darrin =X he tried to make a jersey and... let's say it didn't succeed =P
French: read some catch 22, discussed gay marriage "I think gay people should have to suffer through marriage just like straight people" ^__^;; lmao, funny, mean, but funny
Band: concert mode- half the class was just Mr. D talking but >>;; minorrrr detail..
Math: played cards and ate doughnuts =X
Lunch: mmm, pretty uneventful ^__^;; talked to Jarrod, John and Mike most of the time =D
Chemistry: quiz =X and some stupid ass lab =P
World History: xD notes =P
After school: Fweeee! =D Went and hung out at John's house ^__^ Josh, John and I played his guitars for a while, than went upstairs and Jarrod put me in a body lock which I struggled in for about 20 minutes =X after that, got food at the gas station and they dropped me off at band
Game: OMFG IT WAS AWESOME!!! ^_________^ just kinda hung out with people for a while before, than the bus ride up talked to Katie, than at the game sat next to Kelsie, Katie, and Jacob, behind Skidmore and Alex. Lmao, so much fun! Tried to see how much money it'd take to get guys to kiss each other! =X lmao, ended up grabbing Chris's ass XDXDXDXD *blush die* never ever ever ever again, sooooo frickin' weird @______@ but! ended up in a situation where I'm married to Sarah and Chris and Kelsie is mine and Sarah's lesbian lover. Lmao, I love my section so much. I kept hitting my head on everything!! Like the tuba!! Danced with Jacob a few times- he's cool ^__^ talked to Skidmore about relationships and than just about random other stuff like filming me and Lauren- gotta love that guy ^__^ Alex is actually really cool too! And thannnnnnnn, after all of that- rode home with ChrisL, both of us kinda sleptish, got a ride home from him and than [insert police thing here]
Than went home and fell asleep ^^;;

Today I'm going out with Josh, Jarrod and maybe Mike or whomever else wants to come ^^;; Which should kick serious ass! And hopefully sometime either next weekend or the one after I'll be hanging out with Claire and peoples ^__^

So on that note! I'm off! Au reviour mes amis!

(4 teardrops | Catch me as I fall)

[15 Oct 2004|11:36pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

Lmao, wow.

Yeah, perfect day. Literally- perfect day. I was good all day, nothing went wrong, for the most part the game was great. Get home, John calls, so my mom lets me go out with them, I suggest the park- yeah, I did, so we go there, about 2 minutes and a cop comes up. Everyone else gets to leave but since I'm 15, I have to get driven home. I started crying. So *high five* to that Mary. Got home, my mom wasn't as pissed as I expected, she even agreed with me, she didn't ground me, so if you still want to go out tomorrow.

Right now... I'm pretty bad.

(9 teardrops | Catch me as I fall)

^__^;; be prepared for a speech on how much society sucks *Woohoo!* [14 Oct 2004|09:39pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

You know what's wrong with our society today? The Four Tions(sounds all spiffily Chinese, eh?): Motivation, generalization, communication, determination.

Motivation- no one has any. They only do things if they can get something out of it. They never go out of their way, and we're just friggin' lazy. If you were in India you'd be working your ass off right now. We're just plain lazy. Unless it's something we want to do. But there's so much shit in life you won't want to do that we might as well just make the best of it but we don't- we always leave the work for tomorrow. I'm not in any way, shape or form saying that I'm not just like this, but it's an observaTION (har har har!)

Generalization- I heard about 4.6 billion Christian obsessee's generalize other Christians today- that none of them support abortion, none of them support gay marriage, they all have good morals, none of them are gay, they all read the bible. They generalized gay people- which pissed the FUCK out of me, I was really ready to get up and strangle this chick..- that the only reason any of them want to get married is for tax benefits. Tax bene-fucking-fits. WTF?!?!?!??!!?! *kills* I generalize sometimes too, yes. That all teens want to rebel. That all kittens are evil. That all cheerleaders are ditzy morons and all football players have sex a lot. That all trumpets are egotistical. About half of these I'm fully joking on(trumpets, kittens), but it doesn't make it right that I assume about everyone else. I hate how much we all generalize. It's just not right. And it pisses me off to no end. Regardless, there are many people who do fit the stereotypes, but there are many people who don't. GREAT examples: All band people are geeks, all Christians are obsessed with Christianity, all gay guys are sweet little angels. It may be majority, but it's not the rule.

Ahh, yes, communication- perhaps my favorite, if nothing else because I CAN say that I communicate. I just ask straight out "are you pissed at me?" "do I annoy you?" etc. etc. And not enough people do. You cannot have a good, solid relationship or close friendship without communication. There are some people who if I need to talk to them I will. Like, if I think something's wrong with Mike because he didn't laugh at a joke, I won't talk to him, but that's because I know I'm just being overdramatic. But if I think that Mike is ending our friendship and he starts ignoring me- I'd ask him about it. It's not fair to either party when one person holds in secrets. There are exceptions to the rule- such as secrets that must be kept or crushes. But aside from that, if something's wrong- ask about it. I can't stand, biggest pet peeve EVER, when people bitch to me about not having friends but yet they never go out and make them. Just do it! You've got the capability obviously! If I don't like someone I ignore them. So chances are if you're close enough to talk to me about that you're perfectly capable! When someone has a pet peeve with their girlfriend or boyfriend - tell THEM not me! Eesh..

Finally- determination. We are all determined to get the wrong things out of life. Instead of wanting to have close family bonds, we want good friendships which will last until the end of highschool and than fade. Instead of good friends, we want relationships which will eventually die. We want new cell phones instead of good grades. We set our hearts to poisonous things.

*breathes* Alright! Now that that's off of my chest and I've totally offended anyone within a five mile radius! ^__^;;;; Quote time..

"Dont forget about the ones that love you and keep loving those that you have loved."

"We all have friends, and we all have best friends. The difference between the two is huge. You are supposed to be able to tell your best friends anything at anytime, there should be no conflict or mistrust. The friends are there to provide support comfort and to have fun. Like when u want to hang out and/or chill. Dont get the two confused and put friends before best friends."

-Austin

=X smart kid... whose older than me >>;;

On one final note..


TOMORROW'S FRIDAY!!!!!! YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BAAAAAAABBBYYYYY!!!! ^__^

(Catch me as I fall)

Surveys, bitches [13 Oct 2004|11:04pm]
[ mood | high ]

And she's back to the drawing board!

Surveys!Collapse )

(Catch me as I fall)

Surveys baby [13 Oct 2004|09:00pm]
[ mood | content ]

*spits on hands* survey time!

Surveys, woohoo!Collapse )

(Catch me as I fall)

*determined* [13 Oct 2004|07:42am]
[ mood | determined ]

It's time for me to stop talking about my life and the decisions I'm gonna make and start acting on them. It's time for me to start skimming the line of fixing myself and just do it. To stop trying to become someone else and just fix myself. So, hopefully, this'll be the last time I update about it.

Mmmmmmmm, SOOOOOOOOOO SOOOOOOOOO nice sleeping in ^________^ like omfg nice, like, orgasmic nice. *sigh*

So! Onto my... really really weird ass dream o.O

I dunno exactly where it started, but I remember we were in John's room, except, the closet looked like the one in my old house where it was really deep instead of long. And Josh and Jarrod said they needed to hide someone, so John jumped into this basket thing in his closet and they strapped him down into it. Than I was talking to him and I forgot what we were talking about, but he got mad at me and than Josh and Jarrod backed me up. Mike was there somewhere, just dunno where. Than I remember getting onto his computer and all of a sudden I was in my house tonight - my mom's gone from six to nine - on the computer and I was reading profiles for some reason and there was something in Josh's profile that I remember was really important but I forgot what it was XD and than Lauren the trumpet was my little sister and she thought she knew how to make pizza and put spagetti sauce in a pizza and started freaking out, so I calmed her down and threw it away and we made mini pizzas and it was raining outside and than I was in a lab in chemistry getting ready to do some experiment but.. I can't remember what o.O

So that's my extremely vague ass dream ^__^

Btw- you can add ass to the end of any adjective and make it sound bad ass

(1 teardrop | Catch me as I fall)

[12 Oct 2004|10:01pm]
What should I consider my insecurities? True or false? What are my insecurities? True or false? How do I fix my insecurities? Are they just insecurities or facts? How do I know? Is this the stage where I fix myself?

I think it is.

I feel like I've broken through my barrier for the most part ^__^ Tonight was great with Mary, it felt whole again, and that was great ^__^

(5 teardrops | Catch me as I fall)

[11 Oct 2004|05:56pm]
EDIT: No, I'm deleting that, because I'm stronger than shit like that.

(2 teardrops | Catch me as I fall)

Trusting [10 Oct 2004|06:09pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

You know, I realized something profound about myself today. I love when I do. And it makes so much sense it's almost scary.

It's about my trust in people.

Most people think I don't trust, and for a while I didn't either, sort of. I always believed that I did and could never see what part of me didn't believe it and why I couldn't decide if I do trust people or not.

And now I realize that I do, but just in a totally different way than most people. Most people trust the words other people say, such as if someone says "I have a fish", the person automatically believe "okay, she has a fish", but I don't, she needs to show me the fish in order for me to know she has it. I trust actions, not words. Which is why saying "I love you" doesn't mean as much to me as it does to other people. It's why it always came off that I never trusted John. But that's not true- I did.

It's hard to explain, I guess. But ever since I can remember people have lied to me. And, for the most part, I've lied back. My best friend Loren in 4th grade said we would be best friends forever, we weren't. My parents told me a week before they were getting a divorce that nothing was going to happen between them. John promised me forever but that's not a promise anyone can keep.

I don't blame any of these people, I can't. Because I knew she was going to ditch me, they were going to divorce, and we were going to break up. I trust my own intuition and other people's actions. Whereas most people trust other people's words instead of their actions and throw their intuition away.

Regardless, it gets me in trouble a lot, but it's worth it. Because more often than not I've been right. maybe 7/10 times I'm right. Those 3 times that I'm wrong can hurt like hell or break something up, but usually I don't act on 9/10 things anyway. I keep my mouth shut.

And I've actually been trained to do this. My mom and I got in a fight tonight, and for about 20 minutes we ignored each other, but when we were ready, I started doing chores and she cleaned my rug and we both knew that that fight was finished and things were done and that's it. Now we're on good terms again. I tend to apologize when I get into a fight with my friends because I can't quite treat them the same way. They're not obligated to love me and since I don't trust words so much and I assume most people do- I use the words to get onto their good side.

And I guess that ties into my character flaws, because I need to just start acting nice again or be myself again and than all will be well as opposed to clinging to people when times get rough.

I gotta thank Jarrod, actually, because even though he can say the wrong thing, 90% of the time it ends up being what I needed to hear. And most people don't do that for me.

Not that I mind, mind you o.o because I'm used to them not doing it and him doing it so it just kinda hurts and never gets through when other people do it XD but hey- I love you all and your advice in your own ways ^^;;;

(1 teardrop | Catch me as I fall)

Mmmm, and here it is... [10 Oct 2004|03:32pm]
[ mood | content ]

"I know if I don't swim I'm already drowning"

And so I'm swimming.


^__^;; Today's been uneventful *nods* Last night was awesome! =D After hanging with Josh for a few hours- which was fun ^^- went to this corn maze thing and hung out with people ^^;; discovered that I need to talk to Amanda more o.o after going through the maze- which, surprisingly enough, wasn't that scary o.o minus the chainsaw dudes and the creepy ass dude that came down from the bus ceiling >>;;- we walked back and forth between mazes for a while and a group of us- Claire, Lauren, Skidmore, Chris and I- decided since it took 20 minutes to move about 2 feet, that we would go to Polar Ice instead. I feel SOOOOOO bad though for ditching Shayla =/ and everyone and just... Grah, I feel uber bad about it.

Though, maybe it's a sign that I've been punished, cause I accidentally ran at full speed into a rope and totally biffed XD like... there's a red mark on my upper back from where it hit that hurts like hell. It was funny, though o.o;; even to random strangers who saw it XDXDXD lmao

So all of yesterday kicked uber ass ^__^

Today's been alrighty, started laundry and finished my 10.3 million notecards for World History =X

And I'm kinda being tested right now on myself, and I'm kinda failing and kinda succeeding, it's weird though- it's starting to not hurt. And, well, losing doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would.

Anyway, I'll save the rest for my own written diary =X haven't written in that for a while

So the rest of tonight I'm spending with my mom, and if Mary calls than maybe go out with her ^__^ which would be awesome, cause for all that we hang out- we haven't hung out without having to be at some band function in about 20 minutes in a long time

(Catch me as I fall)

^__^ [10 Oct 2004|12:11am]
[ mood | bouncy ]

Survey, ladies and gentsCollapse )

(1 teardrop | Catch me as I fall)

Icons [09 Oct 2004|09:47am]
eeef, I dunno if I've been giving off this impression but- my icons aren't made by me o.o the users that I list or that appear when you wave over them are the people who make them =P *nods* justtttt so you know ^^;;

(1 teardrop | Catch me as I fall)

My day in a peanut [08 Oct 2004|10:33pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

^__^ today was good!

LA: WOO! failed vocab test and! watched Merlin
EOP: talked to Cassie ^__^
French: @___@ got all pissy
Band: lmao, Kelsie pulled out Doug's chair *shakes head* lmao, and did pep tunes ^^;;
Math: talked to Jamie outside for a bit than fell asleep ^^;;
Lunch: uneventful *nods*
Chemistry: uneventful ^^;; just took notes
World History: @___@ eefy, got loooooots of studying in that class ><
After school: ^__^ mmmm, hung out with random people for a bit, thaaaaan helped polish a tuba, went to Mary's house and watched her shave o.O than went to my house and picked up my stuff and got some food, got on the bus after getting ready, performed @__@ scarrryyyyyy, than basically talked to Jacob all of the game *shakes head* damn I love that kid. Bus ride home was good ^^ thannn got there, undressed and left

(Catch me as I fall)

Nifty [08 Oct 2004|05:37am]
[ mood | calm ]

Mkay, well, here's a list of what I found out last night that I didn't know >>;;

I was:

-clingy
-acting depressed all of the time and never happy
-paranoid easily

Combined with what I know myself:

-I assume too much
-I'm easily jealous
-I'm overly jealous

And yeah, that's a good start on stuff to fix @__@ So! *claps hands* now that I have more changeable stuff to fix- here it goes.

(1 teardrop | Catch me as I fall)

It's a start, right? [07 Oct 2004|11:19pm]
[ mood | okay ]

Well, I guess I've got some sort of solution =X since I know I have fucked up issues and I can't address them- I'm going to a pyschiatrist ^^;; whats the downside? >>;; it's not for at least another 2 weeks >< so I'm gonna try not to do anything stupid in that time ^__^;; such as what I did tonight =P so if not aspiring for change- at least I can hold back my feelings for a while *nods*

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